I’ve slept through my alarm every day this week.
Had two papers due this week… and wrote them both at the last minute.
I haven’t gone to bed before 2 am in the past two weeks.
I think I skipped a total of three classes this week (which was probably how many I skipped in an entire semester last year).
Haven’t read for my Political Science class in the past three weeks.
Shall I continue?
This is a pretty good illustration of me right now:
This whole “sophomore slump” thing is a reality- I have never felt so unmotivated in my life… and the worst part about it is that the amount of work I have now compared to last year is significantly more. I called my mom on Monday and just vented for a good 30 minutes about how stressed I was and how I was homesick and all I wanted to do was get out of Chapel Hill- my thought process was that if I could just leave this campus, maybe all of the stress will go away… but it probably won’t.
My biggest frustration about it all is that I still carry all of the stress of getting my work done, I just lack the motivation. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t get it together and get things done in a timely manner… so there I am, at 3 am, finishing up a paper that easily could have been finished by 11 pm if I wasn’t busy commenting on Facebook statuses and checking my Twitter account every 2 minutes– social media, it gets ya every time. But in all seriousness, I’ve never been so frustrated with myself! I have got to suck it up and start caring about my schoolwork!
Not only that, but I think that all of the stress just makes me an unpleasant person. I’m way more cynical, way more pessimistic, and just overall not fun to be around. I get irritated with people much more quickly, and I just don’t take the time to appreciate the little things. When I’m in this kind of mood, I focus more on my oh-so-hard life in conversation rather than asking the other person how they’re doing. And I think overall I just start to lack a general understanding of how truly blessed I am- it’s sad that something like school can make me that type of person.
The only thing I can conclude from all of this is that God puts times like these in our lives to make us rise above it. To make us stronger. To make us learn not to worry about every little thing. To make us look to Him in times of stress. To make us realize that we can’t do it all, no matter how hard we try. He uses it to humble us, which we all need at times.
But I think the real test for me is if I will look to Him for guidance, and I have not at all passed it. This morning in my discipleship, we talked about ways in which we are selfish, and one of my friends made a really good point- a lot of times, we are selfish with our time more than anything else. I never thought of it that way, but time is a prized possession for me, and I undoubtedly waste a significant amount of it. But in reality, every minute that goes by is a minute that God has given me- and what am I doing with it? I’m talking about how I don’t have enough of it, complaining about the way I have to spend it, and constantly wishing it away so that I can move on to something more “exciting.” And at the end of my long day of wasting time, I’ll say a quick prayer to God before I go to bed- if I can stay awake for that extra 2 minutes. What is that?! It makes me angry to even recognize that I would spend my time so selfishly- and even more so, it just isn’t fair that I complain about the time God has given me when I hardly ever devote it to Him. Seriously, what an amazing God we serve, because He loves me anyway… and the more I realize how much I mess up, I become all the more captivated by His love.
So yeah, I think God has created this time in my life for a reason, even though He sees how frustrated I am about it. And I am truly thankful for it, because I’m learning that sometimes I just can’t do it all. I wish that I could constantly keep up the act of having it all together, but I can’t- and I guess that goes back to my whole idea of finding the beauty in being imperfect. It’s time to hand it over to God and trust in His plan for me- that’s so much easier anyway, why would I ever try to figure this out on my own?
“Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. Because of what law? The law that requires works? No, because of the law that requires faith.” -Romans 3:27
Also, Fall Retreat this past weekend was so great! Here’s some fun pictures.
Have a great weekend! And don’t be lazy like me!