thankful.

Remember my post about “getting it together” and how the sophomore slump was killing me?  Well, I think it all came to a head this past week.  I can handle it when one or two things go wrong in a day, but when everything goes wrong… well, I just kind of give up on trying to rise above it.  I’m sure we’ve all had those days.

We’ll rewind back to Tuesday.  I have really been struggling with my decision to write for my campus newspaper, because even though it’s a great paper and the editors are always helpful, I just never enjoy doing the work that is needed to get the job done—and I’m constantly complaining about it (which isn’t good for anyone).  So while I was contemplating what I was going to do about that job, I found out about an internship that dealt so much with my major and seemed like a great opportunity, so I went out on a limb and applied for it.  But even though I always start out with this “we’ll see what happens” attitude, I almost always end up with this “it’s totally going to happen” attitude… and when the opportunity falls through, I’m like “this was totally supposed to happen for me!”  So, I went through that cycle with this internship and instead of remembering that God has a great plan for me, I just got mad that I didn’t receive an interview for the position.  And you would think that after a few times of getting my hopes up only to get let down, I would learn that I need to have the mindset that whatever happens will be for the best… but nope, it never happens that way.  I almost always end up disappointed in myself.   And honestly, I think I only end up disappointed because my motives were to bring glory to myself instead of bringing glory to God in the first place.

On Wednesday, I got to my first class and found out that I got a B on a speech that I had worked really hard on—and one that I was really proud of.  I felt so discouraged!  And things only got worse when I had an exam in my next class and realized that I was not nearly as prepared as I thought I was.  All of this before lunchtime?!  I just wanted to walk away and quit right then.  I ate lunch with my friend Morgan and we spent most of our time talking about our lack of motivation and how frustrating it was to feel like no matter how hard we try, we can’t pull ourselves together—we can’t get the grades we want, we’re not enjoying our jobs, and all we want to do is complain about it and feel sorry for ourselves.  I told her that I had been praying for motivation and I just felt like I wasn’t getting it.  In my little world, it seemed like everyone was living this great life and I was stuck in a rut that I just couldn’t get myself out of.  And later that night, I broke down on the phone with my mom about it all.  I hate crying, I really do.  I probably spend more energy trying not to cry during times like this than I do on anything else—it’s just not something I like for people to see me do.  But I guess I just needed to do it—I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

But after that, my day took a turn for the better.  Lately I’ve been saying that God is using this time in my life to teach me that I can’t do it all, and it’s so true.  I love how He works in our lives, because I think I had to break down just so I could find that someone would pick me back up.  After I got off of the phone with my mom, I got dinner and sat in the office with my friend Jordan while she finished her work shift.  I told her about my terrible day and how I was so discouraged about everything, so she decided that we needed a mental break.  We got in her car and drove to Target where we spent a good hour looking at just about everything—Halloween costumes, clothes, room decorations, food (of course, because what is a shopping trip without buying food?), anyway—you name it, we probably bought it.  It was great getting away from everything, because sometimes even sitting in my room trying not to think about schoolwork ends up with me stressing about, well, schoolwork.  It was definitely a wonderful and very much needed mental break.

After our little shopping trip, I ended up meeting up with my friend Joseph at this awesome frozen yogurt place on campus.  Once again, I got my chance to vent about my bad day (it was a lot of venting, I know…) and it was just nice to have someone listen.  I was planning on going home that weekend, and I was explaining to Joseph that I would have gone home a day earlier but I had to do slides for Cornerstone the next night so I was going to have to stay for that—so he offered to do them for me so that I could go home and get a long weekend, which was so nice of him!

So I went home a day early and got to spend more time with my family and relax, which was absolutely wonderful.   The weekend was great too!  My aunt and uncle came over and I also got to meet up with some of my friends from work, which was a lot of fun.  It gave me an opportunity to think about the fact that there is so much more to life than schoolwork, and even though it’s important for me to do well in college, it’s more important that I am living for God’s glory and praising Him in all that I do.

I guess this post could be titled “getting it together- part 2,” because this whole thing takes some time.  But like I said before, God is so awesome.  Whenever I take the time to sit down and think about the love that Christ has for us, it never ceases to amaze me.

So yeah, even though I still have B’s in my public speaking class and I don’t like writing for the paper and I didn’t get the internship I wanted, God has blessed me with great friendships.  There really aren’t many people who will drop everything they’re doing to make your day better, and I have special people like that in my life.  Seriously, what a blessing it is.  Yeah, it’s hard to deal with failure.  And it’s hard to get out of a rut.  And it’s hard to find hope when everything seems to be going wrong.  But every time I feel that I’ve hit rock bottom, God shows me that He has a reason for it all, and that’s all I need to know that things will get better—they always do.

Have a great week!

One thought on “thankful.

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