Last night, I couldn’t go to sleep for the longest time. I just laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking about how my granddad was probably doing the same thing as he sat in a room of the psychiatric ward at the hospital- a room with barren walls and the loneliest atmosphere imaginable. An atmosphere that probably isn’t too different from what my grandma’s house is like right now, because she has to go home without her husband every night. I thought about how she was probably staring at the ceiling too, wondering when the pain and the hurt and the loneliness would all go away. I thought about my mom, and how she probably couldn’t sleep either, because she feels that she’s not doing enough to be there for my grandparents.
It seems like the situation gets worse every day. My granddad was supposed to go to a facility near my house, but the facility denied him and we’re not sure why. Because of this, he was transferred to a psychiatric ward in the hospital that he’s been at for the past 2 weeks, even though the ward has no specialization in assisting patients with Alzheimer’s disease- at all.
It started out as a doctor’s visit- just a visit. Now we don’t know if my granddad will ever be able to come home. We honestly don’t know what is going to happen. We’re trying to call the facility that denied him to find out if there’s anything we can do to change this decision- maybe they missed something. Maybe an essential piece of information wasn’t on his record. Maybe we can make something turn around in this downward spiral of a situation.
As I sat on the phone with my mom last night, I had tears streaming down my face- trying to be quiet and trying to hold the phone far enough away so that my mom wouldn’t hear me. We’re like dominoes- if one of us falls, the rest of us will too. And I think we all feel like we have to stay strong because now is not the time to fall apart. It’s not the time to lose hope. It’s not the time to show our weakness.
But how are we supposed to stay strong? I told God last night that I wanted to keep the faith more than anything, but I didn’t know how much longer I could hold it together in this situation. Part of me wants to behold the strength that will keep everyone else hanging on right now, but the other part of me wants to sit in a corner and cry about it until it all just goes away. Until someone else can gain the strength to pick me back up. I just don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to worry every day about my sweet, loving grandparents who don’t deserve any of this. Sometimes, it’s more than I can bear.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9
I knew that I wanted to blog about this situation, but I didn’t know if I could find any encouragement in it right now. But the thing I’m realizing is that God doesn’t expect us to be strong for Him all of the time; He knows that we have weaknesses. He knows that we’re going to let our pain and suffering get the best of us sometimes. But His grace is sufficient for us. And in our weakness, His power is made perfect. How can I ever lose faith in a God whose power is so great that even in my weakness, He is strong? Who loves me even when I tell Him that I don’t know if I can trust that He’ll make this situation better? A God who loves us like this should never be underestimated.
-And that’s exactly what my granddad told us 3 years ago on Thanksgiving. My mom reminded me last night of that Thanksgiving, when my grandparents knew that something was wrong with my granddad, but at the time we thought it was a vitamin deficiency or something minor that could be reversed. But my granddad told us to always remember that no matter what happened in the years to come, he will always have faith in God, and we should too. What an amazing example of faith. It’s easy to trust God when life is good, but it is times like these when we find where our true faith lies. Clearly mine still falters, but I know that even in my darkest hour, I have a God whose power is being made perfect in my weakness. And I have a grandfather who left a legacy, and no matter what happens, I will never forget to keep the faith, no matter the circumstances.
So maybe we were all laying in our beds last night staring at the ceiling, feeling helpless and confused. But even if we didn’t recognize it, God had His hand on each of us, hearing our cries for help.
He hears you. Keep the faith.