words I couldn’t say.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here, but if we’re being honest, it’s been that way for quite some time now. Even though it’s almost every day that I think about writing on this blog or the idea for a post comes to mind, I just haven’t had the drive to sit down and open up about everything happening around me. The past two months have been a little crazy — as many of you may remember from my last post, I have been adjusting to a new job and trying to find a permanent place to live. In the midst of so many things unknown, I crumbled in a lot of ways. Throughout these past few weeks, I’ve used this time of transition as an excuse to focus on myself more than God. While I’m not proud of it, it has become an inevitable truth that only becomes clearer the more I reflect on it all.

As of this past weekend, I am “settled.” I moved in with one of my best friends, and the Lord has blessed me unbelievably throughout this process of adjusting to so many new parts of life at once. When I finished unpacking my bedroom this weekend and let out a sigh of relief at finally feeling like I was at home, the thought “Okay, now I can start focusing on God again” seeped into my mind. I had looked forward to feeling that way for the past few weeks, but when it finally came to fruition I realized just how dangerous it was. Now I can start focusing on God again? Is there ever a good time to take a break from God? No, and that’s because we need Him every hour, every day. There’s no life outside of Him. And if that’s the case, what have I been living for recently?

One of the most convicting realities I’ve wrestled with in recent years is the idea that we all worship something. Whether it’s money, a job, our significant other, someone else’s approval, or whatever else, our hearts will find something to worship. I’ve said this so many times before, but it has to be said again: if we’re not actively living for God — thirsting for Him, seeking relationship with Him, learning about Him through His Word — then we’re worshiping something else. For me, I think I’ve made an idol out of comfort. I’ve looked at this idea of being comfortable and settled in and said,

“If I can have this one thing, everything will be better.”

Yet here I am, settled — and my heavy heart knows that it longs for something so much greater.

Honestly, that’s all I really have to say right now. I knew that when I stopped writing as often, it was a sign that I wasn’t putting my focus where it needed to be. It’s always the times that I’m engaged in full relationship with God that words just spill out onto the page… and when I’m not, I don’t have all that much to say.

This post is a little different from the others, because you can’t provide much wisdom when you’ve pulled away from the ultimate source of it. But I do know that God’s grace prevails over our shortcomings and even our blatant ignorance. I know that He doesn’t love us based on how often we read our Bibles or whether or not we can write profound blog posts about Him. Jesus died so that big moments like this, and even the countless small moments that our hearts seek out sin, wouldn’t define who we are in Him. And seriously, praise God for that.

There have been a lot of words left unsaid these past few months as I’ve been sorting out what this new stage of life looks like. But I know that God isn’t finished using me, and He’s definitely not finished working on my heart. Even though this post is about all of the words I didn’t say, here’s the real story: there’s still so many to come, and I can’t wait to share them.

To all of you, thanks for following along.

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